Destructive Self-Reflection (Part II)
I didn’t know he didn’t like short hair (I don’t mean shoulder length. I mean artsy abstract short hair). It didn’t cross my mind too much until it was already too late to turn back, and I was in the line at Chick-fil-a (as one does after getting their haircut), and the high of the realization that the months-long internal dialogue had finally come to fruition that I thought, “Oh, he’s not going to like this.” My stomach sunk, but my new, exciting haircut was distracting me from being upset for too long. I thought, processed, had a conversation about it with myself in the car, and then drove home. When he saw it, my initial thought was correct – he did not like it. What came out of our mouths in that conversation was not what I envisioned as I was heading home; what came out of our mouths were hurtful and insensitive statements that only hurt him worse and made him feel like I was angry with him for saying he didn’t like my haircut.
Deciding to cut my hair was a decision I’d been working through for months, but he didn’t know that. I get very private when I’m trying to think through something. He was shocked and hurt when I arrived home and he didn’t know it was coming. To him, I didn’t care about him enough to let him weigh in; I didn’t trust him enough to let him know what was going through my head. Those weren’t my thoughts or intentions at all, but I can see why he would think that.
As a student of the Enneagram, I failed a lot in this situation. I see, extensively, what was happening in this scenario:
I failed to work past the parts of my personality that aren’t favorable, and started moving toward integration (the Enneagram’s term for growth), which would have been to work on being less private and including him in the deciding process in a respectful way (i.e. discussing it or at least letting him know what was up).
In the conversation we had about it, I failed to respect the way he thinks and processes. It did not diffuse the situation in love, but amplified it in hurt and frustration. I said things that were true, but not edifying.
I barreled right past the Holy Spirit who was trying to guide me in how to handle this situation.
Why does this matter?
He says we can grab one that makes us feel good about our strengths — or, if we want to excuse our behavior by pinning it on a personality trait that we cannot change, then we can grab one that can show us all the bad things about ourselves.
If we view personality assessments either as an excuse or as our sole identity source then yes. It is striving after the wind (Ecclesiastes 1:17). This self-centered view which leads us only deeper into ourselves is toxic, and it is against the gospel.
Get off the Spiritual Milk
When we first hear the gospel and come to believe in Christ Jesus, we become aware of ourselves, our sin, and how our sin has put a wedge between us and God. That is a grueling moment; it’s painful when we first say to God, “Search me… and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way” (Psalm 139:23-24).
But then, we also acknowledge that it is God’s kindness which led us to repentance, which led us to believing on him for our justification (Romans 8). In the beginning, we drink the Word like a baby drinks milk before it eats solid food (1 Corinthians 3:2, 1 Peter 2:2).
The problem comes when we drink this spiritual milk, but then never move on to solid food; we see the distance between how we live currently and who we’re called to be in Christ, and then just walk away from it and do nothing about it (James 1:22-24). Self-centered self-reflection encourages this sort of immaturity.
An example: we read that our justification is not based on our works. We confess with our mouths that we believe that God’s great kindness led us to repentance, and that we are saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ; but when we go out into the world and our motivations to do good rest in trying to get a one-up on everyone else, to try and curry God’s favor, we are walking away from the truth and exchanging it for something that seems to make more sense to us or to society. We’re focusing in on the self. (This is not to say that we do not do good works, but I think we can relax a little bit and not go seeking them out as if our very souls are depending on them for eternal life. If this is something you struggle with, meditate on Ephesians 2:8-10 and Philippians 2:13.)
“For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift -- not from works, so that no one can boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do” (Ephesians 2:8-10).
“For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13).
All things are God’s gift, even good works. If you believe Ephesians 2, God prepared them for us to do. And he is working in us to will and to work according to his good purpose. So nothing, not even the good things we do after we are believers in Christ, can be credited to our non-existent account in Heaven.
Paul’s letters to the early churches are full of lists of things that are part of our old self that are incompatible with our new selves, things that are against the Spirit (Galatians 5). The most popularly referenced is that which is found in Ephesians 5. Our old self is full of things that our flesh desires such as “sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions [disagreement that leads to discord], factions [small, organized dissenting groups], envy, drunkenness, carousing [drunken carrying on and partying in a loud, lively way], or anything similar,” (Ephesians 5:19-21), as they do not align with the fruits of the Spirit, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Ephesians 5:22-23).
How often do we read this section, find one thing that solidifies our argument against another person, and then force them through the ground to boost our own self-righteousness — all while we skip over the things that are found in that list that convict us (because we’re all guilty of these things to one degree or another)? To use Paul’s words, my mind instantly goes to the factions of people who speak out about sexual immorality or moral impurity or promiscuity, but they do it out of hatred and dissension with outbursts of anger. What good is calling out the old self when you’re doing it in the old self? What good is trying to help others see the truth, given to us in love, if we aren’t doing it in love? The Spirit working in us helps us to put off the old self, all of the old self, and live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.
Move Past the Self
Moving past the self-centered studies of self, and growing to become more like Christ, is what we call “sanctification.”
If you view personality assessments as conversation starters in your time spent with God as you work to become more like him, they move from being just another personality assessment to a tool. I believe that God has given us tools through the inspired minds that he created, in order to help us become more like him; but that only happens if we’re determined to bring him into the middle of it and allow all of our change to be empowered by the Holy Spirit and not the desire to overcome others with our strengths and undermine them with our weaknesses because “that’s just who we are.”
If we’re in Christ, that’s not who we are anymore. Our identity is not in our personality or in our motivations to act in the flesh; it’s in Christ. That’s why so much of Paul’s writing to the church talks about the behaviors they should wear and how they should walk in a way that’s pleasing to the Lord. We have the power of Christ living in us, the Holy Spirit praying for us. We have all the tools we need for healthy self-reflection and sanctification. May we have the courage to approach the throne of God and ask him to make us more like him. It’s not easy. We’ll never attain it, but luckily we have a High Priest who is there with us, interceding for us, who knows everything we are going through and empathizes with us in it.
