Listening Well

It’s not surprising to me that we are becoming more like computers. Computers were built as the ideal mind -- able to process a range of problems from simple to very complex and pop out an answer in an instant, removing any need for complex thought or message decoding. It has made us struggle with face-to-face communication and increased experiences of social anxiety. 

Listening well requires us to go against our natural instincts, to slow down, to stop the noise around and within us so we can hear and comprehend and respond with empathy and respect to the person taking a chance to be vulnerable with us. 

Why Listening is Such a Struggle

We tell our children “Actions speak louder than words,” or “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” Successful communication is not black and white, speaker and listener. There are several stages of communication, and when just one of these stages is interrupted, there is a communication breakdown, or miscommunication.

First, we receive a message. We filter out other sources of stimuli to isolate the message with intentional focus on the speaker.

The second stage of listening is understanding the message, in which we attempt to learn the meaning of the message, or “read between the lines”. 

Third, we remember. Our brains are now remembering what was said, checking it against our initial responses to what was said. Remembering is almost impossible if you were not listening effectively, and then, even if you were listening attentively, some messages are just difficult to understand and remember, such as complex messages filled with a lot of detail. To remember it would call for well-developed listening skills (see toddler).

The fourth stage of effective listening is evaluating the message. In the evaluating stage, we judge the value of the message. We filter messages through our backgrounds and experiences to try and establish it as relatable. Even the most open-minded people have opinions of the speaker based on their verbal and non-verbal cues, and they will filter the message they hear through what they have come to believe.

After the message enters our ear canal by way of external stimuli and is processed by our brain as a message to decode and respond to, we respond. Almost anything done at this point can be interpreted as feedback. 

If that all sounded confusing or like a lot, first, it is. Secondly, just think - our brain does this automatically. But it’s always running through the steps. Your brain receives, understands, remembers, evaluates, and then responds to what it hears. If at any point there is a breakdown in this process, there’s miscommunication. Miscommunication leads to conflict - internal with oneself or against another or external against the other person or group of people. 

Listening Well to the Right Thing

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to remember the negative things people say about you, almost like your mind treasures them as little pieces of gold it brings up at the most inopportune times to haunt you? And how it’s just the opposite for the positive things people say? You’ll remember it for a time, but only until someone or something comes along and wipes it out with the next negative thing. Why do we have such an easy time seemingly listening to the wrong things and forgetting the right thing? 

Who are you listening to? 

When Solomon became king, the Lord offered him anything his heart desired. If you had your choice of anything in the world, no holds barred, what would you choose? Peace on earth? Maybe money to pay off your bills and set your kids up with a nice future? Maybe you’d do some investing? 

Now, imagine you’re the King of Israel. You’ve got all of God’s chosen people to rule over, and you’re young. From the time I was five, I can tell you that my wishes were to go to Harvard to study to become a meteorologist. It had been my dream since I was five-years-old, and I would have given a lot to have that dream come true. I thought that was the best way to set up my future for success and happiness. 

My point is that Solomon was offered anything from God, and he asked God for wisdom. WISDOM. That kid was mature, and because he asked for wisdom, he received that and so much more. He listened to God’s guidance and became a powerful visionary and builder of the Kingdom of Israel. People came all over to listen to him because he listened to God. 

It matters who we listen to, maybe more than what we listen to.

We won’t always listen to and follow the right thing, but there’s grace for this. There’s been grace for this. Even when the Man and Woman were cast from the garden, that God didn’t smite them immediately and cast them out to toil the ground in pain and suffering was a grace. The ultimate plan of our saving grace through Christ Jesus was launched from this moment. And now we are living in a time that is guarded and covered by the grace of God through Jesus Christ.

Sometimes, no matter how well-intentioned you are, your message will be misheard. That’s normal. What do we do then?

Do we accept we are doomed to fail and then not bother to try and help others understand us? Do we crawl under a rock and just never allow ourselves to be vulnerable for fear of misunderstanding and conflict? 

Lean in.

Listen to the voice of God in the Scriptures. God the Father and Jesus Christ are the only voices that do not need to be weighed against the Holy Spirit for they are always good and holy and true. “He was still speaking when, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, ‘This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased’ listen to him’” (Matthew 17:5).

Practically speaking, don’t listen to those that only make you feel good. You need voices of the wise that are able to call out things in you, in love, acting through the Holy Spirit to help you grow in holiness. But also don’t listen to those who are always making you feel bad, either. There is a difference. Pray for the Holy Spirit to help you discern this.

“Listen to the advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Proverbs 19:20).

“Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. To draw near to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil” (Ecclesiastes 5:1). And remember: God is always more willing to listen than we are even to speak. He always has an open ear for his children.