Practicing Empathy
One of the tell-tale signs of illness, specifically mental illness, is a disassociation with the body. People who have experienced trauma tend to become out of sync with their bodies - their hair begins falling out, their skin itches, they think of their body as a foreign object they can no longer control.
In Paul’s letter to the Romans, he calls the church a body, an organism with hands that bend and stretch, legs that walk, eyes that see. He writes,”...in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” (12:5)
Just like synchronization in our physical bodies is a sign of health, synchronization among members of the body of Christ is a form of spiritual health. Paul goes on to instruct the church in ways of loving each other well, giving rapid-fire suggestions of actionable love. Honor. Share. Bless. Included in that list is what I have found to be one of the more difficult parts of the Christian faith: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.” (Romans 12:15-16)
Empathy is hard for me. It takes my sinful heart and bends it, sometimes in painful ways, into the image of Christ. It requires both emotion and action, two things I am apt to hoard to myself. It is so much easier for me to consider only my own emotions, to look on the suffering of others with pity or judgment rather than weeping with them, or to look on the celebration of others with contempt or jealousy rather than rejoicing with them.
Weeping With Those Who Weep
It is easier and more comfortable to quickly move past difficult emotions, especially in situations which do not directly affect us. We scan rooms for exit routes, we search for something to say that will lighten the mood somehow, we lean into empty platitudes because they feel familiar.
I will be the first to admit that weeping with those who weep does not come easily to me. Instead of reaching out in shared sadness, I am quick to shield myself from the pain of another person, justifying it as a need to “be strong for them” or even to avoid the seeming embarrassment of crying in front of another person.
One of the great comforts in the face of this insurmountable challenge is that empathy can be learned and practiced and grown. The Holy Spirit works in and through us to soften our hearts toward those around us, especially when we are brave enough to step into those uncomfortable spaces.
Some practical tips for weeping with those who weep:
Avoid statements that begin with “at least.” In most cases, “at least” statements are used because they seem to point out the silver lining in a situation; however, these statements invalidate the pain and suffering of another person and destroy connection.
Avoid moving too quickly to passages like Romans 8:28, “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” While this Biblical truth is right and good, it can be dismissive when shared with someone in the midst of something very difficult in his or her life. As an alternative, try passages like Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” This passage, and others like it, affirm the emotions someone may be feeling while also reminding them that the Lord sees and cares for them.
Avoid platitudes. Platitudes, by definition, have little depth and provide no comfort to those who are suffering. Rather than sharing a platitude such as, “everything happens for a reason” or “time heals all wounds,” consider remaining silent and offering your tears or a hug instead.
Connect with the person. Rather than leaning on some of the statements above, focus on deeply listening to and connecting with the feelings of the other person. If you worry about having the right words to say, try asking empathetic questions or even saying, “I’m not even sure what to say right now, but I’m so glad you shared that with me.”
Rejoicing With Those Who Rejoice
It is equally difficult, though in a unique way, to rejoice with those who rejoice. People rejoice when good things happen to them, when they have been given good gifts from the Lord and are rightly responding to them, and those same gifts are often what we desire for ourselves. It requires great sacrifice to place the joy and happiness of another person’s fortune over our own unmet desires.
To lean into the joy of another person when they have received something you have been praying for - a job that uniquely fits their giftings, marriage to a God-fearing man or woman, a healthy pregnancy - but have not received, is sacrificial and difficult. It is the loving self-sacrifice of a person who knows the Lord to be good. It says to that person, “I am happy for this good thing the Lord has done in your life,” and it postures our heart toward thankfulness.
Some practical tips for rejoicing with those who rejoice:
Avoid comparison. Comparison will steal your joy. Rather than feeling joy for the other person, comparison will cause you to feel insecure, envious, and discontent, so actively guard yourself against it through prayer and thanksgiving. Remind yourself that our God is a Father who gives good gifts to his children. (Matthew 7:11)
Thank God in prayer for this good thing in the other person’s life. Every moment of celebration, whether for ourselves or for others, can lead us into deeper thankfulness and praise to God.
Celebrate victories both large and small. Take a cue from the Lord who created feasts and celebrations and holidays, and rejoice! Celebration can take many forms, such as a shared meal, gift, card or letter, time together, etc.
May we all practice empathy, rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep. In doing so, may we reflect Christ and build up his church.
